I feel like an important part of my artist journey (and life journey) is learning that it really is safe enough in the world to just be me. Who am I? I am a loving, caring creative human being, who is meant to manifest mercy to others in it in this world. Sometimes I am called to be super gentle and quiet. Sometimes it means to speak up and stand in the inherent strength of truth. It means always staying with compassion and mercy. That translates to a lot of forgiveness. What is forgiveness?
Because I heard people ask for forgiveness, I used to believe forgiveness was something one gifted or bestowed upon someone else. I didn’t have a clue that some people need to hear they are forgiven to help them forgive themselves.
I also used to believe that forgiveness meant an automatic restoration of trust. “I forgive you” meant “okay, I’m over it. We can go back to the way things were.” Or “I accept your reality as my own. I still love you. I accept you. Let’s be friendly again.” Inherent to that understanding of forgiveness, was a condoning of the other person’s actions. “If I forgive you, I’ll eventually always forgive you for this, because it’s forgivable. Therefore, if it’s forgivable, it’s not that bad.” If I didn’t agree with that, then it became important to NOT forgive someone. Not forgiving someone was somehow meant to be a message to that person conveying that something wasn’t okay.
Resentment is like taking poison, expecting it to hurt someone else.
Can it be true?
Not forgiving someone took up a lot of unconscious space and energy. It often turned into resentment and took a lot of energy and intellectual space to maintain. I thought I needed these resentments to protect me, like warning buoys in shallow water, to warn me from repeating situations.
Then I heard someone say “resentment is like taking poison, expecting it to hurt someone else.” Wait, What!? What a shocking statement. Could it be true?
Oh yeah, for me it was.
I made a list of my resentments and shared it with a trusted friend. All of it. And when my friend gently probed me about what was the motivating factor behind key resentments, it was always fear and self-protection. I thought I could create a protective barrier around me, like a turtle shell, composed of resentments. But the shell was heavy, cumbersome and so misshapen it was unbalanced, often resulting me on my back, exposed and vulnerable, uselessly flailing my legs in the air. My resentments didn’t protect me! They kept me trapped, small, often swimming in circles, because I couldn’t see around it! And I had no idea. Worse, it hardened my heart to myself and others. The price of not forgiving was blindness and entrapment.
I thought I could create a protective barrier around me, like a turtle shell, composed of resentments.
But the shell was heavy, cumbersome and so misshapen it was unbalanced, often resulting me on my back, exposed and vulnerable, uselessly flailing my legs in the air. My resentments didn’t protect me! They kept me trapped, small, often swimming in circles, because I couldn’t see around them.
So then the question, but if someone truly did something horrible and bad, how do you forgive it?
For me, the path opened when I learned that forgiveness is not “for” someone else. When I forgive someone else, I forgive them as a gift to me. I’ll say that again. When I forgive someone else, I forgive them as a gift to me. I experience forgiveness as a “letting go” experience. I’m not condoning bad behavior when I forgive someone’s harm to me. I’m letting the moment of harm go from my life, my being, and allowing that moment to rest, or die, in the past and no longer impact my present or future. I’m not forgetting about it, I’m giving myself permission and trust that I’ve learned whatever I needed to and letting everything else go. One of my friends experiences forgiveness as freedom.
Yes, in life I need to show up, and speak up, for myself. And once I’ve done that, I need to be merciful and allow the past to being the past. Not for others benefit, but for my benefit. By learning what I needed to learn, that can look like seeing, really seeing how the other person showed up. That might mean having to make some difficult choices about whether that person can be in my life anymore or not. It’s not about punishing anyone. It’s about allowing natural consequences to choices play out.
When I forgive someone else, I forgive them as a gift to me.
In life I need to show up and speak up for myself. Once I’ve done that, I need to be merciful and allow the past to rest in the past. Not for others benefit but for my own. It’s not about punishing or not punishing someone else but about allowing natural consequences to play out.
Here’s an example. I learned that someone I cared about said terrible things about me and my motivations to a community member. It was so painful and sad to learn someone I loved and trusted was slandering and backbiting against me. And it’s nothing I can control. This person is emotionally unavailable and incapable of engaging in a healthy repair. Time and time again, the pattern remained that I just couldn’t reach this person. It was time to admit that I can’t further engage with this person safely. Love says it’s time to walk away. It’s not punishment. I tried. It’s the reality that there are no other safe or kind options for us to move forward successfully in active relationship. I spoke up for myself in the community in whatever way was appropriate and respectful. And I have the option to forgive this person. Forgiving them doesn’t mean I condone their actions or give them permission to continue. It means I’m not willing to harden my heart or color my reality because of someone else’s poor choices and behavior. If I find the behavior continues, I’ll do the next indicated step required of me to keep myself safe. But that doesn’t mean I have to harden my heart, foster anger or hold on to pain. No need to drink poison hoping it will hurt the other person. The situation just is what it is, that’s all.
Some lessons I learned from this short friendship were:
To be more discerning in what I share with someone new and when
People’s true character eventually shows through
Prophet Muhammad (saws) advised to hate the action, not the person. I got to learn and practice that teaching here.
How not to make a generalization that all people are untrustworthy or unsafe
How to end a friendship with love and mercy
How to end a friendship to take care of myself and my needs. How to prioritize me.
Upon reflection, I can see many, many warning signs that I totally missed in the moment. Alhamdulillah.
And of course another opportunity to strengthen my forgiveness muscle.
I know how painful it is to live a life where I took almost everything personally. When I am willing to forgive and let go, I can witness some measure of this person’s pain. I get it. It’s not about me, even when they think it is. Forgiveness lets me see reality. Being in reality and truth, lets me open to compassion and mercy for this person. The compassion and mercy frees me to be caring and feel love. I can be who I really am. Forgiveness can be a door to real freedom, the freedom to be who I really am, a loving, caring, creative person, who is here to be a mercy in this world.
May the door to Mercy and Forgiveness open with ease for each of us. May real forgiveness serve to free us from our past and make our future more joyous and free. Ameen.
Peace and Love,
Mariam-Saba
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