The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
Blame is seductive. It easily turns someone from looking inward to outward at another person or thing. It says “don’t look here, look over there. It will feel better.” And when that happens, there’s a subtle shifting of power. Suddenly that person has the power to ruin my day, my weekend, my season, my year, my life. Blame doesn’t identify a good person or a bad person. In every day situations, blame disempowers us and tricks us into looking away from the truth and reality of the situation.
