Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

Guest House

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The Guest House

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The Guest House

A few years ago, I used to believe God was there, and maybe for other people He was there often, but for me, it was really only during emergencies. So I didn’t actively engage in any attempts to communicate with Allah, except to ask for things without any expectations of them being granted. I didn’t even know it was possible for a normal human beings to have a relationship with Allah…Then, I began hearing people share their experiences of having a relationship with Allah. What they described was a two-way communication, not one sided. Allah answered them back and they didn’t have to be a saint. I wanted that. How did I get that?