Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

accepting happiness

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Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

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Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

In this barzakh, I was trying to steer my ship toward a star, guiding me to my inner happiness, by looking at the lessons of my past. I was facing backwards, trying to course correct based on the lessons of my past. And then checking my bearings by looking forward at the star. My guidance was, it’s time to fully face forward, keeping my eye on the star (Allah). My ship’s steering would remain wobbly and shaky until I did so. At some point, the lessons of my past could no longer inform my choices of the future. My past taught me skills about survival, especially in difficult and bleak situations. To live a life of gratitude and happiness, it required a whole new set of skills I had never encountered, let alone developed within me.