Growing up, I often heard of the concept of a “dysfunctional family” but how was I to know if my family really was “dysfunctional”? As an adult, during the process of engaging in intensive personal growth work, I came across a list of unspoken rules of a dysfunctional family. I learned that the rules of a dysfunctional family result in the message: Don’t talk (or tell anyone), don’t trust and don’t feel. Here are some examples of how these rules are often conveyed to a child:
“Don’t talk about the family with the outside world.” Unspoken: What happens at home stays at home. Along with: Loyalty to family above all else, no matter what.
“Children are meant to be seen, not heard.” Unspoken: Wanting something is selfish. Having needs is selfish
“Don’t ask questions” or “Don’t ask stupid questions” (when “stupid questions” is a nebulous, undefined term)
“I brought you into the world, I can take you out of it.”
“Do as I say, not as I do”
“Don’t rock the boat.” Unspoken: be happy all the time. Negative emotions harm others around you. Behave as if everything is okay, all the time. No fighting is allowed.
“Don’t upset your father/mother” Unspoken: we check and be aware of his/her mood, gauged at all times. Walk on eggshells.
“Don’t lie” except if it’s to protect family.
If you grew up with a majority or all of these rules in your family of origin, perhaps the concept of boundaries is a new one. It was for me. As I shared in a previous post I grew up without any boundaries and it was painful experience as a child and an adult. When I learned there was another way to exist, I was skeptical and doubtful. Boundaries just sounded like another set of rigid rules. But instead, it’s allowed me levels of freedom in my life I thought I could never have.
Boundaries Are not A Wall
Boundaries move and shift.
Context matters.
Trustworthiness matters.
So what are they? Let’s start with what they are not. They are not energetic or emotional walls. When we build a wall around our heart, for instance, we might have experiences we make into secrets. Secrets we swear to ourselves that we’ll “take to our graves” – meaning we promise ourselves to never share it with anyone, that’s an example of a wall. Walls are immoveable objects. Context doesn’t matter with a wall. It doesn’t matter how trustworthy or untrustworthy someone is or how safe I am, I will not share this secret at all, ever. That’s an example of a wall. Boundaries move and shift. If I’m talking to a trusted friend or therapist, my boundaries are pretty close in, meaning I’m available to share many things: thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, memories, etc. I might choose not to share heavily my spiritual beliefs if my therapist feels it’s inappropriate to the healing space. So I keep my boundaries around my spiritual beliefs while still being available to share everything else. In contrast, when I’m talking to a stranger, I may only be available to share my current experience and thoughts about the weather. My boundaries, in this case, is much further out from me and my heart. I don’t share thoughts about work or friends. I don’t share my feelings about an experience in my past or with family members. Why? Because I don’t know how trustworthy any given stranger in front of me is. There’s no bond between us to sustain a deep, impactful conversation or navigate conflict in a healthy manner. I don’t know how available the other person is to support me, because they are a stranger. I don’t lean on making assumptions about them beyond what they’ve shown me in body language and presentation of themselves in the given moment.
Boundaries are not freely permeable
Living life with little or no boundaries is painful for us and can be painful for those we interact with, if they also don’t have effective boundaries
Another thing boundaries are not, is they are not something that has holes in them. I’ve heard of these kind of boundaries as being like ‘swiss cheese’ or a ‘chain linked fence’. Metaphorically, something that has holes and is easily permeable. An example of this: let’s say I have a friend that is sensitive to the topic of Mother’s Day, as her mother recently passed. In her grief process she acts out in unusual ways. She generally doesn’t start crying in public about her loss but if a stranger says something like “have a happy Mother’s Day!” she might react. She might even say something unkind from her place of grief. In this case, this friend has boundaries in general, but goes into ‘boundary failure’ because she’s struggling with her grief. She lashes out or reacts to other people, taking their comments about Mother’s Day personally, when strangers would have no reason to know anything about her or her grief, let alone any desire to cause her pain. This is an example of a boundary with a hole in it. No boundaries are perfect, because we, as humans, are not perfect. We have places where we slip and are simply unaware. But some of us have many, many holes, like swiss cheese or a chain-linked fence in our boundaries. Living life with little or no boundaries is painful for us and can be painful for those we interact with, if they also don’t have effective boundaries.
So boundaries have some kind of solidness to them and yet they are adjustable. The “distance” of boundary placement depends on who I’m talking to and the context in which we are connecting. Context matters because I could be talking to a trusted friend, but at a party where there isn’t a lot of privacy, versus talking in my living room where our level of privacy is much higher. If boundaries lack solidness, then that means I’m sharing inappropriately with inappropriate people. The degree of their lack of solidness, the more holes they have, the less it matters where I place them. I might place boundaries far out, such as with strangers, but it doesn’t matter if there are a bunch of holes that even strangers can get through with their questions and my inability to resist answering. How you want to imagine boundaries for yourself, whatever metaphor you might want to use at this point, is highly variable. What I commonly hear is people using metaphors like a wall of light, or a wall of glass. Something that is solid but not impenetrable or impossible to see beyond. Something that can be moved further out or closer in to the person’s being.
Where someone chooses to place boundaries is highly individualized. There’s no right or wrong placement. It comes down to how do you want to show up with different people and what are you willing to tolerate if you “overshare”. For example, I’m willing to share my life experience in a public way, in this blog. For a lot of people this would fall under “oversharing” for themselves. There are potential consequences to this choice and it’s up to me whether I’m willing to endure them. It’s not wrong for me to place my boundaries where I have, it’s my choice and I feel it’s worth the payoff that I receive from it (mainly the spiritual and emotional satisfaction of my service in the world). In the same way, it’s not wrong for someone else to place their boundaries further “out” and not share their life experiences on a public platform. Someone else’s ministry or life purpose falls in another category from mine and doesn’t require the same things.
Boundaries is a deep and rich topic. Once I learned and began practicing boundaries, I learned about internal and external boundaries. Then I realized I could break down boundaries into types: physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, energetic and financial. Or I could think of them on levels of the body, heart, mind and soul. I’m sure the topic will continue to evolve and deepen for me. And the above has served as a great foundation to learn and practice from. It was a difficult concept for me to learn and digest. It took a great deal of time and energy to put into practice. I often felt very tired from short interactions, when I had to hold “strong boundaries”. Strong boundaries were required when I interacted with someone I cared about that liked to push them or “test them”. It took real energy to stay alert and manage my boundaries in conversation with those types of people in my life. Some years later, it’s much easier and doesn’t require as much energy to maintain. Whatever the case for you, I know, if boundaries were something I didn’t have any of and can maintain to the degree I can now, you too can learn and develop healthy boundaries. And I assure you, I really believe it’s worth it. The degree at which I experience freedom in my life just continues to grow and grow and grow. I want the same for you too.
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
For more about unspoken family rules, please see: “33 Unspoken Family Messages and How to Override Them”
For more about boundaries, please see: “What Are Boundaries”
P.S. If you’d like me to go deeper with this topic, such as exploring and sharing more deeply about specific types as mentioned above, please let me know in the comments below.
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