I’d like to finish out this year with talking about various “blameworthy traits” in the hopes of setting us up to start the new year with something special. I first mentioned the term ‘blameworthy traits’ in the post “Seduction of Blame“. I found it valuable to label and define undesirable character traits. Once reading about particular traits it allowed me to do two things.
First, it allowed me to move away from the idea of a “bad person” and to become more specific. It allowed me to move away from judging myself as either good or bad and move towards clarity about what specifically was my growing edge.
Secondly, when certain behaviors came to light that I’ve often found puzzling about myself, it was easy to connect them with the undesirable traits clearly defined in the reading. Traits such as blame, unreliability, dishonesty, etc. The label empowered me by allowing me to identify there was a problem that had a solution. Knowing blameworthy traits could be changed into desirable traits, I could identify specifically what I wanted removed from myself and then look for next steps to do so. My story with blame is a great example of that.
Discussing blameworthy traits can often kick up a lot of uncomfortable feelings within us. It’s often difficult to look at choices and behaviors in our past we’re not proud of. Discomfort, though unpleasant, is often something we can handle and doesn’t have to stop us from learning and making different choices moving forward. If, however, shame gets kicked up, it may become more difficult to look at our historical behaviors. Thus, we need to discuss shame before starting the series. Don’t worry, I think this will be way more fascinating to read about than you expect. Trust me.
In this country, at the time I’m writing this, research out there (see Brene Brown) defines shame as the feeling that results from the thought “I am bad”. Guilt and shame are differentiated in this particular way. Guilt is about behavior, ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is focused on the self, ‘I am bad.’ The conversation around shame opened up at the perfect time for me, and gave me permission to release my shame, specifically toxic shame, so I could move forward in personal growth work. Toxic shame was a big factor in my inability to address my poor behaviors and choices in the past, resulting in repeating historical patterns and losing hope that anything could ever change. This permission to release the belief that “I am bad” gave me the opening I needed to finally progress forward.
Guilt is about behavior, “I did something bad”
Shame is focused on the self “I am bad.”
I suspect in response to the conversation that was opening up nationally and the resulting popular belief that all shame is bad shame or toxic shame, Islamic scholars in the United States started sharing religious teachings about shame. They taught that shame was necessary and not a bad thing. In fact, they taught it was a desirable emotion that informs us of when something important needs attention and to be addressed. As someone who participates in both personal growth work from a western perspective and someone who is Muslim and believes in the religious teachings, before me was an unavoidable invitation to look more closely at shame. More specifically was it true: Is all shame bad shame? Is shame a necessary feeling and somehow healthy? How do I reconcile this with my own history?
My personal conclusions, for what it’s worth, is when we talk about shame, we need to be more specific. I assert there is a difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. I suspect that healthy shame, is that wash of shame that arises when we first recognize a pattern of repeated bad behavior and realize it’s not a one-time deal. For example, the first time I commit to giving my friend a ride and then completely forget, leaving my friend in a difficult situation, I can feel guilty that I flaked. I may even be motivated enough to modify my behavior moving forward.
I may choose to not agree to pick anyone up and give them rides.
I can put it in my calendar knowing I’ll check and see it.
I can set multiple alarms and reminders in the future.
Guilt helps lead to behavior modification. Guilt is uncomfortable, but doesn’t stop us from making necessary changes and adjustments.
What if another friend, now asks me to pick them up from the airport and I again forget and leave them there without notification, or if she’s lucky, I’ll realize at the last minute, call her with an apology, informing her so she knows to grab that expensive cab ride home? I wrote it in my calendar, maybe even set an alarm. How many times do I need to leave people in the lurch before I realize I have a deeper block that results in me not being as reliable a person as I wanted to believe about myself? I suggest that the voice of healthy shame will say “Huh, I’m not as reliable as I thought, I don’t like that.” I believe the voice of toxic shame will say “Look, I knew it. I’m not reliable. I am bad.”
healthy shame is specific and lives in the gray.
toxic shame jumps to black and white thinking. I see a pattern and it proves I’m bad.
Both voices focus on the self but healthy shame is specific and lives in the gray. “I’m not as reliable as I thought.” Is not the same as “I’m not reliable at all.” It’s not black and white. Healthy shame leaves the door open for improvement. Spiritually speaking, reliability is a character trait. Those of us that identify as spiritual or religious often have tools given to us by our spiritual teachings to “purify ourselves” which results in improving our character. Muslims have tawba, reflection, dhikr, remembrance, prayer, pilgrimage, charity and focus on cleaning our hearts. Other paths have repentance, prayer, confession, meditation and so on, focusing on cleaning either their hearts, or mind or something else. From a secular perspective, we have professionals such as therapists, coaches and counselors we can seek help and support from to engage in personal growth work that eventually results in improving who we are and how we show up in the world. Tools include talking it out, journaling, meditation, creative expression and so on.
Unlike healthy shame, toxic shame jumps to black and white thinking. I see a pattern and it proves I’m bad. Because I’m not good, I must be bad. Where’s the door to returning to being a good person? Realistically, there isn’t one. Good, in this context is really perfect. Often with toxic shame, the desired behavior is to be acted out to expected standards 100 percent of the time. Humans are not computers or machines, we make mistakes all the time. As such, if we make one misstep, that results in a success rate less than 100 percent. Once that happens toxic shame has an opening to rise. I was not reliable 100 percent of the time, so that means I’m not good. If I’m not good, that means I am bad.
False beliefs LOVE general terms.
I assert that the terms “good” and “bad” are too general a term. General terms are easy to logic to or away from.
Have you ever heard someone say “There is no such thing as good or bad.”? In the context of defining whether someone is good or bad, I assert that the terms “good” and “bad” are too general a term. False beliefs LOVE general terms. They hide and giggle in glee in general terms. General terms are easy to logic to or away from. An example: for someone with perfectionist tendencies, it is easy to twist logic to support the belief that anything less than perfect is bad which results in that person being “a bad person.”
Good and bad people are simple terms used to describe types of people to young children. To keep young children safe, we say there are good people and bad people in the world. To stay safe we need to stay away from “bad people.” The problem arises when as young children grow, the terms good and bad aren’t more specifically defined. I define them more precisely as people with good character or bad character. Someone with good character is someone who is generally reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, etc. They carry or have developed desirable character traits, traits we want to see in our friends and loved ones. A person who has bad character is someone who largely carries blameworthy character traits such as tendencies to blame, gossip, backbite and so on. People with perfectly cleaned character traits are rare. The average person is a mix of desirable and blameworthy character traits.
The Good News: If we can’t be perfect, that means we can’t be perfect monsters either. The way to dispel toxic shame is with empathy.
Healthy shame keeps the door open and points us in the direction of cleaning our blameworthy character traits. “I am not as reliable as I thought I was.” There’s nothing in the way to say we can’t change and improve. Toxic shame closes the door and says there’s no hope of change. “I am bad.” Bad is so general there’s no map on what to improve let alone how to improve it. When we can define our missteps, we can define and see which way is out. Clarity comes with action steps taken such as contacting our support people. Toxic shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment. Toxic shame grows as the behavior continues and can be so overwhelming that it can lead to addiction, depression and suicide.
Toxic shame is extremely painful and often triggers past toxic shame. It piles on itself if it’s not dealt with. Healthy shame is felt in the moment and eventually passes like all other emotions. Understanding this, when we discuss character traits in future posts, if we feel toxic shame coming up, we can identify it and take steps to get help. If we know that understanding desirable versus blameworthy character traits is simply there to help us understand what to change, then there’s no need for judgment or toxic shame.
Toxic shame says “You’re not good enough to even exist, so when will you finally just stop existing?” What an extreme perspective. So extreme there’s no validity to it. When you’re in the depths of a toxic shame storm, you can’t hear anything but that message. So, catch it and get help. If we can’t be perfect, that means we can’t be perfect monsters either. The way to dispel toxic shame is with empathy. One finds empathy with professional mental health caregivers and trustworthy, healthy, safe people in our lives who are willing to say “me too.”
May this upcoming journey of exploring blameworthy traits grant us clarity in our next steps in our spiritual journey and reward us with serenity, peace and increased love and joy in our lives. Ameen.
Love and Light,
Mariam-Saba