Series Introduction
As mentioned in the post “Healthy vs Toxic Shame” these next series of posts are going to be about some of the blameworthy characteristics we can develop when we’re not paying attention. As you read the posts in this mini-series, keep an eye on your mental health. If painful emotions such as toxic shame start to come up, take necessary steps to care for you mental health as appropriate.
Have you ever heard someone make a statement about moving forward with some choice or action because it will “build character”? I grew up hearing the term ‘character’ and it never made sense to me. What is character? Merriam-Webster defines character as:
One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual (“This is a side of her character that few people have seen.”)
The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation (“the character of the American people”)
Moral excellence and firmness (“a man of sound character”)
Slowly, I’ve learned that instead of viewing people in terms of good or bad, I’m learning to discern whether a particular person is someone with sound or unsound character. I purposely steer away from the terms “good” and “bad” here because it’s difficult to convey a lack of judgment or criticism. I’m not interested in judging people, only in protecting myself and my own wellbeing. For example, if I’m considering placing my artwork in a restaurant, I want to discern who is a trustworthy restaurant owner from one who is not, so as to feel more comfortable and confident when I leave my artwork in their business location.
I no longer have a need to judge anyone because none of us are perfect. We all have growing edges and things we’re working on. I do want to discern who’s growing edges are mostly worked out around certain issues such as reliability, honesty, integrity when working with them in areas that require these qualities.
So how do we discern sound character in others? The same way we discern sound character in ourselves. If we ourselves don’t have sound character, it’s very difficult to accurately discern whether those around us have sound character or not. That’s one of the reasons doing this type of personal development work is so valuable and rewarding. To discern sound character in ourselves, we must understand what character traits are desirable or “praiseworthy” and which character traits are undesirable or “blameworthy.” From here until the end of the year we’ll look at a select group of blameworthy character traits. Discussions about sound versus unsound character is not a common conversation we have in our culture. I was surprised when I read about certain character traits. For example, I had no idea that “blame” was a character trait that contributed to unsound character. Once I learned that, I needed to learn what blame was, then I could begin to identify it in myself. Once I could identify it I could work on eliminating it and improving my character directly. I couldn’t remove what I didn’t know required removing, so identification was the first step for me.
Emotions and feelings are natural
Some emotions serve as a signal to pay attention to something deeper.
Jealousy
Emotions and feelings are all natural and valid to feel. Some emotions serve as a signal to pay attention to something deeper within us. For example, rage is a powerful emotion that demands my attention to some issue in front of me or within me. In Islam, jealousy is considered natural and an understandable emotion to be experienced in certain situations. In marriage particularly, couples are guided and taught to be sensitive to their partner’s feelings, including their jealousy. It’s different in the U.S. Here, jealousy is often taught to be something that is a sign of insecurity in the one experiencing the jealousy. It’s also taught by others to be a sure sign that someone cares. So let’s get clear, what is jealousy? Is it okay or not okay to feel?
Jealousy is a feeling that can arise in a number of situations. The two most common are in romantic relationships or when comparing what we lack with what someone else has. When jealousy arises in relationships it can be an indicator that there exists a threat to the relationship. The threat can be real or simply perceived by the one feeling jealous. When a possession is perceived as being taken away from someone, jealous feelings can arise. The possession can be a physical object or something more abstract such as the affection or attention of someone. This is why it is not necessarily true that jealousy is proof that someone cares about the other person they’re in relationship with. It could simply indicate the jealous partner is possessive of the other person or something they provide. It’s important to determine the reality of the situation.
Like any emotion, jealousy itself is not inherently bad or good, but simply a signal to the one feeling it. If the jealousy indicates that something feels threatening to an important relationship, one can initiate a conversation and determine the truth. As with any emotion, if it’s more about possessiveness, we can ask our partners to help us with our emotions by being sensitive and making behavior modifications. We also have the option to change our natural responses by looking directly at what drives the emotions or behaviors.
The dark side of jealousy comes up when it is overwhelming or experienced in conjunction with anger, resentment, hostility, and/or bitterness. Overwhelming or irrational jealousy often negatively impacts relationships and leads to distrust, paranoia, abuse or even violence. This type of experience with jealousy crosses into the realm of being a blameworthy characteristic.
Blameworthy characteristics result in harming interpersonal relationships, as compared to praiseworthy characteristics which inherently support, protect and nurture interpersonal relationships. Knowing this, we can watch the impact of our jealousy on the relationship to help us discern. We ask ourselves: Does this jealousy:
Bring us closer together when I express it and we problem solve on how best to handle it?
Have a neutral impact on the relationship?
Have an undesirable impact and create distance or space in the relationship when the jealousy or any accompanying emotions are expressed.
If what happens is option (3.) then we can more strongly suspect the amount of jealousy being experienced or expressed might be a blameworthy characteristic. Please note, this is a general statement with lots of realistic exceptions, it’s not meant to serve as a hard and fast rule.
Other clues that the jealousy experienced has crossed into being a blameworthy trait is if any of the following are expressed:
Criticisms
Verbal abuse
Obsessive behaviors
Blaming
Fault finding
Irrational suspicion and distrust
Quick temper
Behaving in an overprotective or controlling manner
What to do with irrational jealousy
When we determine that our jealousy indeed crosses into the realm of irrational or blameworthy characteristic, we can then look at what’s behind it. Irrational jealousy often stems from insecurity or poor self-image. Thus it is important to face whatever fears that results in the jealousy. It could be a fear of losing your partner, your standing in the family (jealousy by one parent, when a new baby is born, is very common), or fear of failure. If the fear can be identified, then it can be dealt with directly rather than trying to manipulate the feeling of jealousy away or distract from it.
If the fear can be identified
then it can be dealt with directly, rather than manipulated away or distracted from.
If what accompanies the fear(s) are any expectations, address those expectations with the appropriate person. If the fear relates to insecurity about losing one’s job perhaps get a reality check with your manager or boss. Is it true that you’re in danger of losing your job? If the fear relates to the possibility of losing a friendship, sit and have an honest conversation with your friend. Find out is your fear really rooted in reality or not. Then adjust your expectations accordingly. Maybe the information will lead to making different choices. Maybe job performance was suffering and requires some shoring up. Perhaps the friend was feeling neglected and a chronic issue required addressing.
This step of addressing your own expectations requires deep honesty with yourself. It is normal and common to need help with this step. Identifying one’s expectations can be done through talking to a trusted friend, clergy, or a paid professional. Other methods include journaling, meditation, dhikr or sitting in remembrance with the issue and engaging in tawba (‘Teshuvah’ in Judaism, ‘repentance’ for Christian-based spiritual paths) once clarity is granted.
May we each experience forgiveness and peace for whatever missteps we have made. Ameen.
Love and Light,
Mariam-Saba