Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

emotional intelligence

Is Jealousy a Blameworthy Characteristic?

Is Jealousy a Blameworthy Characteristic?

When we determine that our jealousy indeed crosses into the realm of irrational or blameworthy characteristic, we can then look at what’s behind it. Irrational jealousy often stems from insecurity or poor self-image. Thus it is important to face whatever fears that results in the jealousy. It could be a fear of losing your partner, your standing in the family (jealousy by one parent, when a new baby is born, is very common), or fear of failure. If the fear can be identified, then it can be dealt with directly rather than trying to manipulate the feeling of jealousy away or distract from it.

Interpretations, the Root of Projections

Interpretations, the Root of Projections

Once I have a set of interpretations, I can find myself drift away from the facts by holding onto the interpretations tighter than I hold on to the real facts. Interpretations themselves are stories. As I collect more stories from interacting with people (same or others) then more stories are built and I can fall into the trap of collecting these stories together as a “proof” I’m right about something. Proofs got built on top of other stories or interpretations, until I was convinced my partner was a man that didn’t exist anywhere except in my head. That’s how projection starts and then get built on or develop. The problem with projections is they feel like reality, truth and clever insight but really, projections and interpretations are pure fantasies, created from my fears based on my history.

Right Sizing Expectations

Right Sizing Expectations

I’m reminded, my anger and disappointment in people are often a result of unmet expectations. I can’t control other people and mitigate the hurt that way. What I can do, is be willing to adjust and align my expectations to reality. It’s not easy, but it is empowering. Here is my process to readjusting my expectations when I realize they are not aligned with reality…