SERIES INTRODUCTION
As mentioned in the post “Healthy vs Toxic Shame” these next series of posts are going to be about some of the blameworthy characteristics we can develop when we’re not paying attention. As you read the posts in this mini-series, keep an eye on your mental health. If painful emotions such as toxic shame or critical self-judgment start to come up, take necessary steps to care for you mental health as appropriate.
Have you ever heard someone make a statement about moving forward with some choice or action because it will “build character”? I grew up hearing the term ‘character’ and it never made sense to me. What is character? Merriam-Webster defines character as:
One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual (“This is a side of her character that few people have seen.”)
The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation (“the character of the American people”)
Moral excellence and firmness (“a man of sound character”)
Slowly, I’ve learned that instead of viewing people in terms of good or bad, I’m learning to discern whether a particular person is someone with sound or unsound character. I purposely steer away from the terms “good” and “bad” here because it’s difficult to convey a lack of judgment or criticism while using those terms. I’m not interested in judging people, only in protecting myself and my own wellbeing. For example, if I’m considering placing my artwork in a restaurant, I want to discern who is a trustworthy restaurant owner from one who is not, so as to feel more comfortable and confident when I leave my artwork in their business location.
I no longer have a need to judge anyone because none of us are perfect. We all have growing edges and things we are working on. I do want to discern who’s growing edges are mostly worked out around certain issues such as reliability, honesty, integrity when working with them in areas that require these qualities developed for me and my wellbeing to be safe.
If we ourselves don’t have sound character, it’s very difficult to accurately discern whether those around us have sound character or not.
That’s one of the reasons doing this type of personal development work is so valuable and rewarding.
So how do we discern sound character in others? The same way we discern sound character in ourselves. If we ourselves don’t have sound character, it’s very difficult to accurately discern whether those around us have sound character or not. That’s one of the reasons doing this type of personal development work is so valuable and rewarding. To discern sound character in ourselves, we must understand what character traits are desirable or “praiseworthy” and which character traits are undesirable or “blameworthy.” From here until the end of the year we’ll look at a select group of blameworthy character traits. Discussions about sound versus unsound character is not a common conversation we have in our culture. I was surprised when I read about certain character traits. For example, I had no idea that “blame” was a character trait that contributed to unsound character. Once I learned that, I needed to learn what blame was, before I could begin to identify it in myself. Once I could identify it I could work on eliminating it and improving my character directly. I couldn’t remove what I didn’t know required removing, so identification was the first step for me.
ENVY
“Know that envy consumes the reward of good deeds just as fire consumes logs.” ~Sidi Muhammad al-Jamal (pg 42)
In the previous post, we started this mini-series discussing jealousy, including what it was and what to do about it. It is easy to combine jealousy and envy and regard them as the same thing. They both can result in an anger towards someone that comes across as irrational and unpredictable to an outsider. However there is a crucial difference between jealousy and envy. If there are two people, let’s say a brother and sister, and the brother receives something good, a blessing, a boon or something desirable, and the second person, in this case the sister, feels anger or hatred to such a degree that they wish the favor, boon or gift to be lost or removed from the brother, this is envy. It’s a step further from covet in that there’s a desire the object or favor be lost by the one that received it.
This isn’t the same as wanting what someone else has. If someone receives an acting gig and you wish for that as well, there’s nothing wrong with that wanting. That wanting informs you of which way to go and what to move towards. The problem arises when you want the exact same acting gig and in your heart wishing who ever had it to lose it. There’s a lack of trust that things are playing out the way they need to, or that there’s a deeper wisdom in how things are working out. Here’s another example, in movies or cartoons, the villain will say something like “If I can’t have it, then no one will!” That sentiment can fall in the realm of envy.
Sufi’s (and Muslims in general) are called to focus on the condition of their spiritual heart.
Sufi’s (and Muslims in general) are called to focus on the condition of their spiritual heart. When the spiritual heart is healthy we call it “clean”. When the spiritual heart is unhealthy, we call it covered in rust. As we move through the world in our daily lives, we can catch dirt and rust on our hearts. If we don’t do anything to clean it, it just gets more and more covered. One of the reasons Muslims are called to pray five times a day, every day, is to help ease the buildup of dirt on the heart that naturally builds up throughout the day. Salaat (this type of prayer) is done in part because it can clean the heart each time we do it. Being called to pray five times a day is a good indication of how easy and frequently we can collect dirt on our hearts.
The more covered the heart, the more the individual feels pain and suffering in their daily lives. Envy, and all the blameworthy characteristics, are sources of dirt that falls on the heart. If we carry and add to the dirt, it eventually becomes rust. For example, if I envy my sister’s success regarding something in her life, and I don’t address it, every time I’m reminded of what I envy her for, I’ll add another layer of dirt to what’s already there. Do it long enough without addressing the main issue, it becomes more like rust and becomes something deeper and more difficult to work through and clean. For anyone who has had to clean iron, cleaning iron of dirt is a different and significantly easier process than cleaning off rust.
CLEARING THE RUST
It is narrated that Prophet Muhammad (saws - peace and blessings be upon him) once said “Do not spy on one another, do not envy one another, do not hate one another, do not conspire on one another, but be the worshippers of God and be brothers [and sisters].” (pg 42)
To address envy, know that the cause of it is most often not related to the object of the envy. Journaling, talking about it, meditating, sitting in remembrance, can all help bring out the root cause for why the emotions are happening. Ask yourself “What’s behind this envy?” and be willing to be surprised by your answer. It may take you somewhere you didn’t expect to go.
Is the envy due to a low self-esteem issue rooted in unmet needs as a child? Is it from false beliefs that there isn’t enough in the world to support you and your needs, wants, life goals or visions? Is it due to fear that you’re not important or good enough or loved enough? Does it come from a desire to feel worthy? Does it impact your sense of safety or provision? Truly, be willing to be surprised at what you find is behind the envy. Be kind and free from self-judgment. Envy is a blameworthy trait, but I am willing to bet, one who feels it came by it honestly. We can’t remove blameworthy characteristics until we’re ready.
Once you’ve identified what’s behind the envy, then it becomes a matter of identifying what the real Truth is. Real truth, as opposed to the false truth that leads you to feeling envy. That’s how you know what you believe isn’t true, because it takes you to a blameworthy characteristic. That’s your first clue and the gift of the blameworthy characteristic.
Identifying the root, allows you the opportunity to change it.
Turn to the truth. Then commit to aligning to the real truth in your life.
Identifying the root, allows you the opportunity to change it. For Muslims, we do tawba to return to Allah and ask for what Allah’s Truth is. For other tools, talk therapy, journaling, meditation, scheduling a session with a trusted professional, however one connects with Source and the Source of Truth, this is where you draw on that ability or resource to turn to the truth. Then commit to aligning to the real truth in your life. I have watched someone’s heart turn to the Truth during a healing session, then within 24 hours return to their old thinking. Committing and staying with the Real Truth moving forward in your life is as important as finding the root of the envy.
When the envy you felt in a given situation fades and is no longer triggered moving forward, that is how you know you succeeded in your efforts. If it doesn’t fully shift, that tells you there are more layers that need addressing and attention. Be patient with the process. Remember, cleaning rust is a simple process but certainly not easy. It require a great deal of effort and elbow grease. Cleaning rust from one’s heart requires similar efforts and elbow grease. Once your heart is free of envy, it’s a gift of freedom you will never regret giving yourself.
If you have any questions on anything written, I’ll leave the comments section open for the next year so as to answer them.
Peace, Light and So Much Love,
Mariam-Saba
Quotes from: He Who Knows Himself Knows His Lord (man’araf nafsahu ‘araf rabbahu) by (Sidi) Shaykh Muhammad Safiid al-Jamal ar-Rifafii ash-Shadhdhuliyyah
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