Series Introduction
As mentioned in the post “Healthy vs Toxic Shame” these next series of posts are going to be about some of the blameworthy characteristics we can develop when we’re not paying attention. As you read the posts in this mini-series, keep an eye on your mental health. If painful emotions such as toxic shame start to come up, take whatever steps necessary to care for your mental health.
Have you ever heard someone make a statement about moving forward with some choice or action because it will “build character”? I grew up hearing the term ‘character’ and it never made sense to me. What is character? Merriam-Webster defines character as:
One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual (“This is a side of her character that few people have seen.”)
The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation (“the character of the American people”)
Moral excellence and firmness (“a man of sound character”)
I’ve learned that instead of viewing people in terms of good or bad, to discern whether a particular person is someone with sound or unsound character. I purposely steer away from the terms “good” and “bad” here because it’s difficult to convey a lack of judgment or criticism while using those words in writing. I’m not interested in judging people, only in protecting myself and my own wellbeing. For example, if I’m considering placing my artwork in a restaurant, I want to discern who is a trustworthy restaurant owner from one who is not, so as to feel more comfortable and confident when I leave my artwork in their business location.
I no longer have a need to judge anyone because none of us are perfect. We all have growing edges and things we’re working on. I do want to discern who’s growing edges are mostly worked out around certain issues such as reliability, honesty, integrity when working with them in areas that require these qualities.
So how do we discern sound character in others? The same way we discern sound character in ourselves. If we ourselves don’t have sound character, it’s very difficult to accurately discern whether those around us have sound character or not. That’s one of the reasons doing this type of personal development work is so valuable and rewarding. To discern sound character in ourselves, we must understand what character traits are desirable or “praiseworthy” and which character traits are undesirable or “blameworthy.” From here until the end of the year we’ll look at a select group of blameworthy character traits. Discussions about sound versus unsound character is not a common conversation we have in our culture. I was surprised when I read about certain character traits. For example, I had no idea that “blame” was a character trait that contributed to unsound character. Once I learned that, I needed to learn what blame was, before I could begin to identify it in myself. Once I could identify it I could work on eliminating it and improving my character. I couldn’t remove what I didn’t know required removing, so identification was the first step for me.
Ridicule
We all like to laugh. We value those around us that can make us smile, especially during times of stress. I’ve often admired the execution of a witty joke at that perfect moment during dinner that breaks any awkwardness or tension in a group discussion. The perfect words at the perfect moment can not only bring a smile to our face, but comfort our hearts or even move someone towards deep healing. Humor can be a powerful force of connection and sense of safety.
As with all powerful tools, humor can also be used to cut people down. Something witty stated in a group can also have the power to harm and haunt a person if the statement is made at someone’s expense.
Ridicule and its cousins inherently create separation.
Those who agree become part of the “us” or “we” group. Those who disagree or align with the unfavorable trait become “them.”
Humor can also be used as a power move. These types of humor are labelled as ridicule, mocking or even jesting. The definition of each from Oxford Languages, are:
Ridicule: the subjection of someone or something to contemptuous and dismissive language or behavior. ("He is held up as an object of ridicule.")
Mocking: making fun of someone or something in a cruel way; derisive. ("The mocking hostility in his voice made her wince.")
Taunt: provoke or challenge (someone) with insulting remarks. ("Students began taunting her about her weight.")
Jesting: the action of saying or doing something for amusement. ("Laughing and jesting were out of the question.")
The execution of a humorous statement is based off an extension of an opinion. Sure, facts can be used within a well crafted joke, but the implications within the joke are all opinion based. When our intention of the use of humor is to control, manipulate or cause harm, even in the name of self protection or a “greater good” this is where the line is crossed into something blameworthy. This is where joking or jesting would be more specifically labelled as mocking, scorn, jeering, taunting or ridicule.
The execution of a humorous statement is based off an extension of an opinion.
When our intention of the use of humor is to control, manipulate or cause harm, even in the name of self protection or a “greater good” this is where the line is crossed into something blameworthy.
Humor is like a double-headed axe. This type of tool is wonderfully effective if used by someone who understands how to handle it and use it well. However, if the user doesn’t understand the tool they are using they can cause serious and long-lasting harm to others and themselves without intending to.
Ridicule and its cousins inherently create separation. It calls attention to something undesirable, exaggerating it and drawing attention away from merits or favorable qualities. Those who agree become part of the “us” or “we” group. Those who disagree or align with the unfavorable trait become “them.”
By creating separation, now there is the ability to create a better-than-less-than situation within the group dynamic. That which is laughed at, and thus who align with that which is laughed at, is automatically demoted and less-than. Those who laugh are elevated to better-than. In this way humor is used as a power move. If someone in the less-than category brings the light of Truth to the situation, they are automatically slapped back down with a well timed “It’s just a joke! Geez, can’t you just take a joke?” which itself is another kind of power move.
“Geez, can’t you just take a joke?”
which itself is another kind of power move.
Those who have done the work, have learned, in the spiritual world, as soon as you engage in power moves with someone, you’ve already lost. Parents especially get to learn this with their children. If their children successfully engage their parents in arguments, the child has already “won.” Which really means both parties lose out as that doesn’t really meet a childs needs.
The ridicule, mocking, scorning types of behavior have nothing to do with what’s being pointed at, and everything to do with the person doing the behavior. Have you ever heard “those who point have three more fingers pointing back at them”? It’s true.
The manipulative type of humor has everything to say about the person engaging in that type of behavior. It can be displaying that this person holds a certain kind of insecurity, or is manipulative or laying out their own wounds about something. To engage in ridicule requires a certain amount of insensitivity towards what or who it’s being directed at. That implies blind spots which, as a spiritual healer, says to me there’s a veil or a wound here for that person. That insensitivity can result in harm that at best is unintended, at worst cruel and evil.
My teacher, Sidi, writes in “He Who Knows Himself Knows His Lord” (page 46):
Know that making fun of someone or ridicule (al-mizaah) causes the heart to die and it is followed by darkness. If the traveller on the path knew that his state was lowered by ridicule, he would not do it again.
Whoa. That’s a strong statement. Ridicule results in the heart to die and is followed by darkness. I’ve talked about the heart collecting rust in previous posts. Ridicule doesn’t even result in rust, it just straight up causes some part of the heart to die. As if that wasn’t enough, there’s darkness that follows. For anyone that was ever bullied, especially as a child, this does make some sense. Being on the receiving end of ridicule is something that can impact or even haunt a person for the rest of their life. And the person who did it may not remember or even be long dead.
Sadly, there isn’t much one can do about ridicule in the moment. Worse, ridicule, like anger, is contagious. If someone engages in ridicule and mocking behavior, it’s such a tricky behavior that for me it’s an automatic red flag and I tread very carefully with someone like that moving forward, especially if it’s a relationship I can’t simply walk away from. I learn to steer clear of certain topics with them. I learn to get up and leave the room, or use spiritual practices when I can’t leave. I witness their blameworthy characteristic and try my best to clean up whatever comes up in me as a response. I make requests, set boundaries and if necessary spend less time with people like this. I certainly do my best not to participate, ever. I work hard to heal my heart, I certainly don’t want to make it harder on myself by causing parts of it to die just for a superficial and momentary laugh or short feeling of belonging.
If I slip, I clean it up: I look at what happened closely (identify my wants and needs in the moment; explore why did I engage at all?), take whatever steps I need to, to ensure I don’t slip again on that particular topic, make any necessary apologies, set boundaries, make tawba (repent) and eventually forgive myself. In this way, step by step, I clean this aspect up and strive to improve my character.
If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to clean up this kind of behavior, email me. If there’s enough interest in it, I’ll write out a blog post on it.
Love and Light,
Mariam-Saba