Series Introduction
As mentioned in the post “Healthy vs Toxic Shame” these next series of posts are going to be about some of the blameworthy characteristics we can develop when we’re not paying attention. As you read the posts in this mini-series, keep an eye on your mental health. If painful emotions such as toxic shame start to come up, take necessary steps to care for your mental health as appropriate.
Have you ever heard someone make a statement about moving forward with some choice or action because it will “build character”? I grew up hearing the term ‘character’ and it never made sense to me. What is character? Merriam-Webster defines character as:
One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual (“This is a side of her character that few people have seen.”)
The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation (“the character of the American people”)
Moral excellence and firmness (“a man of sound character”)
Slowly, I’ve learned that instead of viewing people in terms of good or bad, I’m learning to discern whether a particular person is someone with sound or unsound character. I purposely steer away from the terms “good” and “bad” here because it’s difficult to convey a lack of judgment or criticism while still using “good” or “bad”. I’m not interested in judging people, only in protecting myself and my own wellbeing. For example, if I’m considering placing my artwork in a restaurant, I want to discern who is a trustworthy restaurant owner from one who is not, so as to feel more comfortable and confident when I leave my artwork in their business location. It doesn’t serve me to label the restaurant owner as good or bad, it’s just not specific enough.
I no longer have a need to judge anyone as being good or being bad because none of us are perfect. We all have growing edges and things we’re working on. I do want to discern who’s growing edges are mostly worked out around certain issues such as reliability, honesty, integrity when working with them in areas that require these qualities.
So how do we discern sound character in others? The same way we discern sound character in ourselves. If we ourselves don’t have sound character, it’s very difficult to accurately discern whether those around us have sound character or not. That’s one of the reasons doing this type of personal development work is so valuable and rewarding. To discern sound character in ourselves, we must understand what character traits are desirable or “praiseworthy” and which character traits are undesirable or “blameworthy.” From here until the end of the year I’ll look at a select group of blameworthy character traits. Discussions about sound versus unsound character is not a common conversation we have in our culture. I was surprised when I read about certain character traits. For example, I had no idea that “blame” was a character trait that contributed to unsound character. Once I learned that, I needed to learn what blame was, then I could begin to identify it in myself. Once I could identify it I could work on eliminating it and improving my character directly. I couldn’t remove what I didn’t know required removing, so identification was the first step for me. May the following be of similar service to you in some way.
Boasting and Delusion
My guide wrote in “He Who Knows Himself Knows His Lord”,
“Boasting or delusion (al-ghuruur): is a characteristic of arrogance and it is a cause of ruin. Allah says, ‘Do not let the life of this world delude you, nor let the deceiver delude (gharuur) you in regard to Allah.’ [Q31:33]. Delusion is to believe in something that is in opposition to reality. This form of ignorance happens when the ego-self finds pleasure in everything that agrees with its lower desires, and with what comes to its imagination or by suggestion.” (pg 44).
Boasting is a characteristic of arrogance and is a cause of ruin. Whew. That’s a strong warning.
Many faith traditions warn against pride or boasting, which often results in a fear of boasting or bragging. Unfortunately the fear of boasting can result in an individual to not show up or in other words hide. In an attempt to not boast, one can unintentionally hide skills and talents with important people, such as potential employers, or good friends. In an attempt to be modest, if not done in a moderate and healthy way can result in a person staying hidden or unknown. Not showing up in relationships authentically in this way results in not being seen or known and in lack of connection with others. Being seen, feeling known, connection with others are all basic human needs.
In addition, current research in mental health and human psychology point out that healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and feelings of self-respect result from authentic pride. In sharing authentic pride, it is one way we can build and support this within ourselves. So, it is important not to boast and yet it is important to be seen, known, connect with others, maintain healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-respect. Where is the line between boasting, bragging or expressing hubristic pride and authentically sharing who we are and authentic pride?
Clearly the blanket statement of one “should not boast” requires clarification in an age where low self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect is rampant. To begin it is important to define and understand the difference between boasting and authentic pride. Here are some definitions of boasting, bragging, and hubris from “Oxford Languages”:
Boasting:
excessively proud and self-satisfied talk about one's achievements, possessions, or abilities. ("his online boasting led police straight to his doorstep")
exhibiting or characterized by excessive pride or self-satisfaction. ("she addressed his boasting comments about being a famous billionaire")
Bragging:
excessively proud and boastful talk about one's achievements or possessions. ("she interrupted their endless bragging")
exhibiting or characterized by excessive pride or boastfulness. ("a competitive, bragging culture")
Hubris:
excessive pride or self-confidence. ("the self-assured hubris among economists was shaken in the late 1980s")
(in Greek tragedy) excessive pride toward or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.
The definition of pride is:
a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired. ("the team was bursting with pride after recording a sensational victory")
consciousness of one's own dignity. ("he swallowed his pride and asked for help")
be especially proud of (a particular quality or skill). ("she'd always prided herself on her ability to deal with a crisis")
Authentic Pride versus Hubristic Pride
To discern between authentic pride and hubristic pride it is important to understand the honest motivation in sharing one’s pride. If one worked for months on their conditioning before a race, and then felt pride in completing the race in a desirable amount of time, that feeling is easily understood. This kind of achievement is grounded in effort from the one taking pride.
Hubristic pride is often felt and shared regarding one’s connections or lineage. This is often seen when someone “name drops” at a party. There can be an entertainment factor to facilitate group connection and is not necessarily seen as hubristic pride. However, when someone name drops and expects to be seen and treated in some special way, this is not authentic pride but hubristic pride. Their association does not appear to be a result of effortful achievement yet it is expected to yield respect and treatment as if it was an effortful achievement.
The motivation behind hubristic pride, boasting or bragging is often grounded in the idea of the speaker’s own intrinsic superiority. Can you see how this could lead to one’s ruin? No one is ever intrinsically superior to another. We have different degrees of talents, knowledge, skills, income, and so on, but none of these things define a person’s worth. We are worthy simply because we exist. No one is ever more or less worthy than someone else. Society can disagree, individuals can argue, ethics enthusiasts can debate, but there’s no real Truth to any one human being having more intrinsic worth over another. The belief that there is, however, results in delusion. Living in delusion, any kind of delusion, eventually leads to difficulty in life. These difficulties won’t improve until the delusion is removed. If it's not removed, then ruin is inevitable.
Not only is one’s motivation important to know, but context is important. Who are we sharing our pride with? Sharing with close friends or family the details in obtaining victory that was hard won and worked towards over time, is different from sharing with strangers the same amount of details. Sharing details with friends and family when they likely witnessed the hard work over time is one showing up and being seen in these relationships. There is value to the audience because they love and care for us. Sharing the same amount of detail with strangers, unless they too have similar life interests, are not likely to add value to their life. Self promotion for the sake of connection or to facilitate value to the audience is not bragging. Self-promotion when there is no value for the listener is bragging.
Considering all this, the question inevitably rises: Why do individuals boast? For those with low self-esteem, it can be to give themselves an ego-boost. Researchers have found that when we brag we get a dopamine hit. That means bragging can feel really pleasurable. For individuals who seem clueless to their effect on people, it turns out researchers have found that these individuals who seem clueless, are clueless. Researchers call it the “Empathy Gap”.
Individuals who boast overestimate how happy listeners are for them when they share their pride. They believe the listener is as proud of them as they feel. It is believed that they project their own positive self-regard onto others, expecting the listener to experience positive regard for them from their bragging.
These individuals also significantly under-estimate how much they irritate others with their boasting. When asked in surveys how they would feel if someone was boasting to them, they have a hard time imagining, or empathizing with the listener’s experience. This is why they call this phenomenon an “Empathy Gap”. Many individuals who boast seem to have a hard time empathizing with the listener’s experience.
Removing boasting and Delusion
Earlier, I mentioned that many faith traditions claim one should not feel pride at all. If pride is important for our mental health, why is this so?
When you believe in the Divine, a Divine that is all-Powerful and the source of all in creation, that continues to support the existence of creation in every moment, then it is easy to realize that anything we take pride in is not really ours or from us. It is vital to note, this understanding is a very high spiritual state to live from. Many of us don’t reach this high a spiritual state for quite some time. The problem arises when we try to exist in higher states than we are authentically ready for. The intention to behave in a “good” way is a beautiful intention, and there’s nothing wrong with it. And it is important to recognize, it is natural as a human being that when we try our best to live as we think we should, we can unintentionally skip steps in our development and spiritually bypass certain growth routes.
If expressing pride and taking pleasure is important for our self-esteem, then do what is necessary. Set the intention and do the work to eventually reach a state, authentically, where it no longer is necessary for your mental health and well-being to express pride in certain things. When one has reached this state, one is in the state many faith traditions encourage us to be in. It’s important not to spiritually bypass our growth and the only way to prevent it is to keep an eye out for it, as it is an easy pitfall to step into.
How does one “Set the intention and do the work”? Here’s what currently works for me:
Set the intention to remove boasting, bragging, delusion and hubristic pride from your behaviors.
When you feel the desire to share your pride, look at:
Your motivation. Why do you want to share this. Is it to show off? Is it to foster connection? Is it to feel seen, heard, or known?
The context. Is there value for the listener or audience in having this information? Would this person authentically feel joy in witnessing your joy?
Was the obtaining of this pride through your own efforts?
If you identify that perhaps your motivation for sharing something wasn’t clean, regardless of before or after sharing the information, clean it up. What can you do to ensure you’re not driven by the same motivation in the future?
Everyone’s path is different so it all comes down to what is your path in your personal growth work? What tools do you have that results in real, deep, authentic change? It can be spiritual tools such as repentance, meditation, chanting, group prayers, healing sessions. It can be therapeutic tools such as journaling, affirmations, individual or group therapy sessions, daily gratitude lists. It can be through reading and considering self-help materials, workbooks, workshops. It could be one of several healing modalities. It could be through social tools such as talking with a trusted friend or wise elder. We’re all different so our personal growth paths can be quite different from one another. The path isn’t what’s important. It’s knowledge of what works for you and using those tools that is important. Use those tools in addressing:
what were the needs that drove the behavior.
Explore what can you do to clean it up and ensure it doesn’t happen in the future?
What false beliefs need addressing inside and changed to real Truthful beliefs? Finding the false beliefs can be a way to find the delusions we unconsciously live under.
These are steps that can result in real change. It is possible to stop bragging or boasting, if you find traces of it in your life.
Remember, authentic pride is okay and normal. With enough spiritual work, it is possible to reach a stage where it no longer is necessary to express authentic pride for sustaining one’s mental health, but it’s important not to simply skip to this step. It’s important to do the work over time so as to not spiritually bypass and lose the opportunity to do the real work that lasts.
May we each find our way there in the perfect time with patience, love, and trust in the Divine.
Peace and Love,
Mariam-Saba