I was raised by some strange teachings around relationship development. In my own family of origin two extremes existed:
Rule 1: For family members – loyalty no matter what
Rule 2: For non-family members – they must prove they’re worthy. One mistake and they’re out.
What makes something like this confusing is when family members treat you worse than non-family members. I was abused by an extended family member when I was a child. Even though I became vocal about this as an adult, another family member insisted on inviting this person to my wedding when I was thirty three. Ultimately, my abuser wasn’t invited but it was a fight to stop it from happening. On one hand I’m expected to dismiss or forgive the worst, heinous acts committed against me. On the other I’m expected to hold people to the highest standards before they can be my friend. Like I said, confusing, especially for a kid, to sort through.
Reflecting now, it’s not surprising my first best friend was someone who bullied me for years. And I remained loyal. She was my best friend no matter what she did to me, for years. She was my best friend until she dumped me, some six years later. I learned the first rule. I had no discernment to follow the second rule.
Worse, I taught people to treat me poorly. In high school I taught my friends to tease and mock me. I said the most terrible things about myself and made everyone laugh. I was too shy, and too much of a “good girl” to be a class clown. I had no dignity, nor did I believe I deserved any, so I unconsciously tried to bribe my friends to stay my friend by playing the jester. I taught them it was okay to see me this way, and worse, to treat me this way. I thought it worked so I took it with me into adulthood.
Love between two people is an action word. Real love in the space between us are real loving actions between us.
I don’t want to live with one-sided love anymore.
Fast forward seventeen years, to the beginning of this self-development journey. Though I remained blindly loyal, I learned my friends gossiped about me, judged me, kept secrets from me, taking trips together without me, and held grudges for decades for something I said back in high school, no matter how many times I tried to talk about it or apologized. But I remained loyal throughout it all. They were my chosen clan. So, the stage is set: I’ve started on this personal growth journey because my marriage is falling apart. I chose one of my friends to share what was going on personally. I’ll never know what I said to trigger her but in the fancy, quiet, downtown restaurant, I’m suddenly being yelled at and ordered what to do with my life. It was so loud, other diners are looking over at us. I was mortified, shocked and confused. The moment of truth had come and there was no real support or understanding available here.
It took years to understand. Her reaction wasn’t about me. No, I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that wasn’t love. I didn’t know that I deserved respect, care, dignity, forgiveness, gentleness, support, comfort, compassion, understanding or mercy. It was amazing progress to even realize something was wrong, because just a few months prior I would have assumed I must have deserved that treatment if I was being treated that way. I chose to love my friends. And if I loved someone I was loyal. I always desperately hoped they loved me back. But now that I am beginning to understand what love is, I can see that wasn’t love. No matter how they felt, I wasn’t treated with love, so my reality is they didn’t love me (link: for more on this please see this previous post about love – feeling vs behavior). I can see, looking back, I was often tolerated, and humored. Love, respect, care – rarely, sometimes never depending on the relationship I’m examining.
there are people in the world, that I love,
and it’s not safe to keep them in my life.
So, there are people in the world, that I love, and it’s not safe to keep them in my life. When they choose to treat me poorly, without love, care, respect, forgiveness, compassion or mercy, it hurts and possibly could negatively impact my self-esteem. How do I let go of them with love?
I’ve worked through the anger, blame, betrayal and disappointment. I’ve reset my expectations. I’ve tried meeting with them each and confirmed they’re not emotionally available for friendship and still don’t know or trust me. The final step feels like really letting them go, release them back to the universe or place them in Allah’s Hand. Some part of me wants to hold on, saying “I love you. Don’t leave.” But clinging to an idea, a dream, isn’t love. Love between two people is an action word. Real love in the space between us are real actions between us. I don’t want to live with one-sided love anymore. I don’t want to give someone dates and receive back rotten apples with worms any more. I want more, I want better. So here are my steps to letting go with love:
I take an honest inventory of myself. What resentments, grudges, bitterness or fears do I harbor or even hide in my heart about this person? I can meditate, sit with Allah about this, or even journal. I make a list. If I get stuck, I find clues in what I say about this person to others out loud, or in my head.
These resentments, grudges, fears and so on, keep me disempowered. They tell me I’m a victim and I have no power in this situation. They want me to believe I have no say or choices in my life and they keep me stuck in the past. None of that is true! I don’t control a lot but I do have the power of choice. I can choose to hold disempowering beliefs or empowering beliefs.
I share with someone trustworthy about this - someone who loves, cares, respects me, and doesn’t judge me. I choose someone who has compassion, understanding and honors my process. This person helps me right-size the situation. This person can help me out of my victim thinking, poor-me mentality. If I can see what my part is in it, that’s my point of power and choice. I can choose to continue to do the same thing moving forward, or I can choose to make different choices. No matter what, this is my empowerment, if I want it. If you don’t feel like you have anyone like this in your social network or spiritual network, you can always turn to a therapist, counselor or a life coach. One that you’ve vetted, you feel safe with and trust. With the internet, and in a post-Covid-19 pandemic world, the network of options is even greater now.
I work towards authentic forgiveness. This can take a moment or years. There are many things to unravel and may be many pieces to forgive. Most importantly: I must forgive myself. I put myself through this. I accepted this behavior. I sometimes even betrayed myself. Sometimes I held on to something longer than necessary. And I didn’t know what I didn’t know. We all deserve and need forgiveness. I need to forgive myself.
Make amends. Making amends can include apologies, or confessing something to safe people. It usually involves a behavioral change, such as no longer doing something. There can be a long term commitment, such as no longer giving into some kind of temptation around something specific. In this case, one of my amends to myself is I won’t develop and invest in friendships with people who can’t forgive, or are emotionally unavailable. Many of my amends are to myself.
Let go. When I’m ready, it’s time to let go. There is no benefit allowing these people to take up space in my psyche or internal world. Allah is my Teacher, not these people. Allah makes clearer patterns for me to notice and examine. The people in my life didn’t make it clear. If I want love, sweetness, gratitude, care, mercy, compassion and support in my life, then anywhere these things aren’t in my life, I need to let go of.
In some cases, I can’t. I have Islamic obligations to certain people. We can’t always choose our neighbors, family members, co-workers, community members and so on. In these cases I can’t let them go. I look instead at what the interactions with people that I find challenging to be in relationship with, what is being brought up within me. There’s a reason, and a mercy, in what I’m being asked to face in a given situation. I have the free will to say “no thanks” and nothing will change as a consequence. Or, it can get worse. And, that’s my choice to accept that. When I’m ready to face something, I surrender to whatever it is Allah has made, via the situation and circumstance and do my best to learn and grow in the direction He’s guiding me. When Allah opens the door, I let go of who my interpretation of that person is (or was) and whatever they had done.
When Allah opens the door
I surrender to whatever it is Allah has made, via the situation and circumstance and do my best to learn and grow in the direction He’s guiding me.
The amends to me, and the self trust I’ve developed is important here. These individuals do not have access to damage my inner world any longer. It’s not their fault for not being perfect, it’s my responsibility to adequately protect my inner world as much as it’s my responsibility to maintain some level of relationship between us. That’s a very difficult balancing act that requires much attention and care. With Allah’s help, it’s possible to have success with it.
So “letting go with love” means 2 things to me. 1. I release the relationship absent of anger, resentments and bitterness. As part of self love and self care, I am dedicated to working through any difficult or painful emotions around the relationship, prior to releasing it. 2. As a gift to me, I release the relationship as part of my ongoing amends to myself. I don’t nurture or deepen relationship with people who are unavailable and/or unsafe to do so with.
Do you have your own process or steps to letting go with love? I’d be really interested in hearing about it.
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
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