The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
That’s how Allah works in my life sometimes. I love it when things come together like that. Like a big ocean wave hitting the shore. It can feel violent to an onlooker, but for someone as desperately thirsty as I have been, I desire and welcome it. It leaves me with a sense of Awe and Gratitude for Allah and His Love for me, His Patience with me, His careful Care for me and His continued Guidance for me.
…Daily, maybe hourly, I experienced toxic shame that stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t worthy of anything.... I wasn’t even worthy of the air I breathed. It was extreme and it was really painful. Then someone said to me, “you’re worthy because you breathe.” That was an interesting and jolting statement. Could it be true?
