The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
Upon leaving medical school and officially moving out of my parent’s home, I physically crashed and developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Resting was no longer an option but a necessity. Initially I thought I had a really bad cold so when I went to see my doctor and he told me his suspicion…I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I didn’t know this could happen. How did people survive if they just struggled to get out of bed in the morning for months or even years on end?
