As many of you know already, I was scholastically quite driven and intellectually very ambitious. I have earned a number of degrees in the science and technical realms, as well as attended medical school for a little while. I was also an athlete much of my life. I played team sports and did individual event sports. Through these various experiences I have developed discipline, a solid work ethic, I know how to learn and achieve. I learned to push past fatigue, pain and other signals my body sent me. I got things done, even though it may have required personal sacrifice in the shape of my sleep, my physical health, my social health or even my mental health. I was rewarded in various ways for these choices.
Coming from the American culture where often “more is better” and achievement trumps character, it’s not surprising I worked hard and gained the skills I gained. In many professional industries, such as the medical field, if you don’t work as hard as is expected, your peers judge you as lazy or not dedicated to your patient’s improved health. When the reality is, rest results in better performance due to clearer thinking, improved concentration and focus.
Upon leaving medical school and officially moving out of my parent’s home, I physically crashed and developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Resting was no longer an option but a necessity. Initially I thought I had a really bad cold so when I went to see my doctor and he told me his suspicion…I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I didn’t know this could happen. How did people survive if they just struggled to get out of bed in the morning for months or even years on end?
This drastic change was incomprehensible.
I needed my friend to patiently explain to me, how one rests.
After the life I’d been living, this drastic change was incomprehensible. I literally had a friend explain to me how to rest. I had no idea how to go about it. Just laying in bed, doing nothing, what kind of life was that? Even thinking was draining, when it was even possible. Part of my symptoms was clear loss of concentration and focus. So without any choice, I began to learn what it meant to rest.
At first rest looked like a lot of Netflix. It was too difficult to justify sleeping all day when I’d slept all night. Plus watching Netflix kept me still enough to look like I was resting.
Then one day, probably after falling asleep while watching a movie, I slept most of the day, and didn’t have problems sleeping later that night. That’s when I realized my body actually needed me to be sleeping so much. So rest became sleeping a lot of the day and all night. Netflix when my body said it didn’t need sleep at that moment or I needed a distraction from my feelings of despair and hopelessness regarding my future.
I will say, spending all day in bed is REALLY REALLY hard on the body. When I had recovered enough to do a little more than go to the grocery store, it was time to go to the chiropractor. If I didn’t there were clear consequences.
It was arduous
because I had so much resistance to learning it.
It has been a real journey to learn about rest. It was arduous because I had so much resistance around it. Honestly I still do. Which is partly why I’m writing this. Through this journey I have learned some interesting and unexpected things. One of those things is the importance of reflection.
When I was busy doing all the time, I didn’t really have time to eat or engage in basic self care every single day. Things like brushing my hair. I often was too exhausted to brush my teeth at night. There was little chance I’d take time to reflect. My reflection time probably happened most in the shower or if I chose to walk to school that morning.
Upon actively engaging in and prioritizing rest in my life, I have found I reflect in the moment more in my life. When I say reflect, I don’t mean thinking, or even worse perseverating. I did plenty of that while I was heavy in doing, doing, doing. Reflecting to me means being in the moment and being present to my heart, body, soul and mind and witnessing what is happening there. When I notice something wants attention, I give it attention and witness further what unfolds. It might be my mind expressing something it sees. Or it might be my heart feeling some kind of pain from something that occurred. Giving these places attention is definitely not the same thing as just thinking about them. It’s trusting that if something is calling for my attention there is a reason and something for me to note or notice here.
Giving Attention…
to the places in us that need it, is a kind of love. It’s a way to show ourselves love.
It’s in moments of reflection that I learn something about myself, someone else, God or the world. Reflection is subtle and not demanding. If I take the time and space to reflect, I find I’m open to receiving tajalli’s or epiphanies. For me, receiving a tajalli is one of my most favorite experiences. I love watching as things fall into place and something makes sense that didn’t make sense a few moments before. Without taking the time to reflect, I may not learn something until I’m in so much pain around it I don’t have a choice but to look at it and learn something. If I just took time to reflect, I could have possibly avoided the whole mess that resulted in overwhelming pain.
The problem with something being subtle is that it is easy to overlook or deprioritize, no matter it's benefit. For me, it’s taking time to learn to really protect my reflection time. I reflect by sitting on the couch and just being or sitting in remembrance with Allah. It’s not my personal practice but I know many people meditate and that can be a form of reflection depending on the type of meditation. I also take time to reflect on challenges I’m facing by speaking about it with a friend. Speaking something out helps me to see it from a different perspective than the one I was previously stuck with. If it doesn’t help, my friend will often remind me to pray and ask God for guidance, which is always the right answer. So either way I benefit from sharing with a trusted friend.
That time where I couldn’t do much in my life was painful and scary. It was also necessary because my life couldn’t have changed as drastically as it did afterwards without all that forced down time and opportunity to reflect. It gave me time to grieve my choice to leave medical school and process the plethora of feelings that came with that choice. It also gave me time to reflect on what I wanted my life to be like in contrast to what it had been if I was ever healthy, or if I never regained my full health. It was a challenging time but also a time of internal growth and change. It’s like when a tulip bulb is planted in the fall. In the winter nothing is seen on the surface, but underground roots are growing and establishing themselves. Winter seems like a time of rest but there can be great and important changes happening in that quiet, preparatory time.
May Allah grant us health and protect it. When our health is not protected, may He make it easy for us to see the Mercy and benefit in our loss of health as quickly as possible and grant us swift healing and recovery. Ameen.
Peace and Love,
Mariam-Saba
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