In the previous post, Pictures We Avoid Breaking, I wrote about the concept of a picture. I shared that it was a collection of expectations or beliefs, that forms something we can hold onto and perceive like a photograph. These pictures often feel real to us, but eventually block us from our growth, requiring we “break the picture.” I shared how that can be scary or even painful to do so, which is why we can hesitate. The more important the picture is, the more we don’t want to break it. It’s the hardest when we believe the picture supports our self-identity.
Once we understand what a metaphorical or spiritual picture is, then we can explore how pictures can become a root to projection. By projection I mean the psychological idea of taking our experiences in our history, when we haven’t fully processed them internally, and interpreting current experiences inaccurately as the same as those historical experiences. A great example of where we almost always have multiple pictures that need breaking is in marriage. Growing up, the first romantic relationship we often witness is our parents’ relationship. If they divorce or never married, then our pictures around romantic relationships can become more complex. Let’s stick to a classic example of two people who have married and have children.
Let’s say, after ten years they have settled into having the same arguments over and over again. In this specific example, the husband feels frustrated that his wife doesn’t seem to want to ever have sex with him. During their first year or two of marriage they frequently engaged in sexual intimacy and he formed a picture in his mind that marriage meant they would have sexual connection at level of frequency always. Maybe he even grew up seeing long term couples be physically affectionate with one another, further supporting the formation of that picture – the picture that marriage looks this specific way in regards to sexual intimacy.
Once a picture is started
life experiences add themselves to it to form a complex set of expectations.
Once a picture is started, life experiences add themselves to it to form a complex set of expectations. Not only might the husband have the expectation that she be sexually available 3 times a week but because his mom was sweet, his wife should be sweet to him just like that. And he saw his aunt make him pies when he came to visit, so his wife, if she loves him, should make him pies to show her love. And so on. This happens unconsciously and based on his experiences of other married women and what he witnessed in his life.
If the picture he’s formed in his mind is strong enough, if he’s attached strongly enough to want what he expects, then when he broaches the issue with his wife and expresses his frustration and implied request, he may see that the only (I can’t emphasize ‘only’ enough), the ONLY solution is for her to make herself sexually more available to him, like she used to be. When the picture is very strong and clear to him, then he can’t hear her when she expresses her discomfort around possibly:
Not feeling attractive after being pregnant and delivering their kids
Feeling less sexual because her body and hormone levels have changed and she doesn’t understand or know what to do about
Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by her life as it stands as she tries to raise the kids and keep her other commitments
Feeling safe enough as she doesn’t trust the kids won’t overhear them or walk in
She may even feel resentment towards her husband if she feels he’s unsupportive of her or their family. Such as if he’s “not home enough” or “doesn’t hear her” or puts off doing chores he said he’d help her with.
If he is committed to holding onto his picture of marriage, he may only hear her vulnerability as an excuse to say “no” and experience rejection and disappointment instead of seeing the reality. The reality that she’s just simply showing up and speaking her truth. If he’s unwilling to be flexible in his expectations and definition of marriage, not willing to consider his picture is no longer accurate, then an alternative route leads to interpretations and blame. He could choose various conclusions, none reflecting any real truth:
She doesn’t find me attractive
I’ll never have sex again
I’m stuck in a loveless marriage
I’m stuck in a sexless marriage
I’m trapped in a marriage where my needs don’t matter and don’t get met
I’m trapped
She’s unreasonable, insensitive, controlling
She tricked me
She lied to me
And so on. If he chooses to go down this route then it can become a painful cycle of each person shutting down or lashing out, until the love is fully broken and the marriage ends.
This is a very simplistic and one-dimensional example but it clearly demonstrates how a picture can begin and then get added to. If it’s not recognized, it can result in preventing us from perceiving reality as it is in front of us, and then painful interpretations often follow.
The more desirable the picture or more integral to our self-identity, the more attached we are to it, the harder it can be to let go. If a picture is used to meet a need, such as a need for safety, then the harder it is to let go. Sometimes holding onto a picture looks like denial or delusional thinking. Thus sometimes we need experienced help such as with a professional therapist, a coach, or spiritual leader. However, most often simply recognizing there exists a picture is enough to take the next step.
The next step is a choice. Do I want to cling to my picture regardless of the cost? Or am I willing to be brave and face the reality of the situation as the Divine has laid it out in front of me? This is one of the reasons trust in God is so crucial, because this is where it’s tested. The real question is do you trust Allah, even here, to break the picture and witness the reality of what’s been Divinely made. Do you trust the cost will be worth it and the outcome will be beneficial no matter how much it hurts in the moment? Without trust and faith in something bigger and inherently good, it may sometimes be impossible to break certain pictures. Why would anyone step off a cliff over the unknown if there was no hope of surviving?
I ask that, because that is exactly, EXACTLY how it feels to break a picture that is important to me. It feels like I’m walking off the edge of a HUGE cliff that overlooks the unknown. One example in my life you already know about was quitting medical school. I had no clue what I was going to do but I left and walked away anyway. I smashed my picture that someday I would be a doctor and have everything I thought would come with that, including financial security and a higher purpose of service as an allopathic medical healer.
Breaking a picture is often a leap of faith.
Some leaps are bigger than others, but they are all leaps of faith, incredible acts of trust in something bigger than ourselves (the Truth or for Love totally counts)
Breaking a picture is often a leap of faith. Some leaps are bigger than others, but they are all leaps of faith, incredible acts of trust in something bigger than ourselves (the Truth or for Love totally counts). If we take the leap based on Divine Guidance and not from a place of desiring superficial worldly gain, I have found myself to be Generously rewarded every time. Allah ya Karim.
Pictures can be big or small. They are often challenging to break, though not always. Without being able to identify one exists, it may be impossible to break. Forming and living life based on pictures is a way to live in fantasy. Living in fantasy may protect us from pain, for a time, but definitely results in greater amounts of pain further down the road the longer and harder we hold to our pictures. Eventually every picture requires smashing. In my healing experience, the sooner the better, when God brings up the opportunity to recognize it. That’s one way we can truly surrender and live a guided life.
May we each have the courage and faith to break pictures as life requires us so that we may live our life in true alignment with Truth, Justice, Peace, Mercy and Love. Ameen.
Love and Light,
Mariam-Saba
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