Have you ever heard when interviewing witnesses you’ll have as many versions of a story as there are witnesses? In any given situation, if there are two people involved, you’ll have three versions of the story. There’s each of the person’s perspectives and then the absolute Truth, or Divine Truth. We’re not computers nor do we experience the world like one. Our emotional states, our personal histories, our personal biases, our blind spots (or veils) all factor into how we record and interpret any given experience. That’s all really normal. There’s nothing wrong with this. There is no such thing as a computer perfect witness because we aren’t put on this planet to be a digital witness of events that unfold around us. We have cameras and computers to do that for us.
Science demonstrates that the human brain has stages of development throughout childhood and young adulthood. As a result, children view the world through their lens and have the perspective that what they experience is the same thing everyone around them experiences. It’s normal for young children to be completely oblivious to how their actions affect any given person around them. Their brains aren’t developed to process and make decisions based on that kind of information until they are older. As we develop, we learn that we have a perspective and the people around us have their own perspective. Different perspectives are just that, different perspectives.
Unfortunately, there are many of us that don’t actually learn that as children or young adults. There is a subgroup of the population where we struggle to hold the truth:
that it is okay to have two different realities exist at the same time and
two different realities does not imply that one is right and the other is wrong.
Often an accompanying belief is there’s only one right reality or experience of reality, based on another immature relational skill that there is only one truth. It often may feel threatening to someone like this if their reality doesn’t match up with the reality or truth of another person. The question that naturally follows for this person is who’s right and who’s wrong?
It often may feel threatening to someone like this if their reality doesn’t match up with the reality or truth of another person.
The question that naturally follows for this person is who’s right and who’s wrong?
For someone with more matured relational skills, it’s obvious, there’s no right or wrong realities or one “truth.” Each person’s reality is valid. It’s not difficult for this kind of person to hold both realities as true or true enough. For someone without this relational skill developed, that’s not the case. There can only be one real true reality and if it’s not mine, does that mean I’m wrong or I’m bad?
So there’s the extreme case that a person doesn’t have the skill at all to hold two realities at once as equally valid. What’s more common, is when someone hits on something that is particularly sensitive to us, and we lose our developed ability to honor both realities. Developing an awareness of where we might do this takes time and patience to develop. It’s an absolutely necessary skill for maintaining a long-term romantic relationship, such as in marriage.
It’s inevitable that in a marriage, differences will crop up and can even result in conflict. For example when something was said on a date and it’s remembered two different ways two weeks later. If you’re relational skills are perhaps temporarily disconnected because of something that felt hurtful, it’s easy to fall into an argument and remain stuck on who remembers what was actually said correctly. Honestly, that kind of fight is really a power struggle. It focuses on who was right and who was wrong. Why does that matter in marriage? It doesn’t unless the couple places value on being right, such as who ever is right “wins” or has the power in the moment.
does connection remain in the relationship?
In a matured relationship where love and connection is of highest value, being right doesn’t mean anything.
In a matured relationship where love and connection is of highest value, being right doesn’t mean anything. What matters is, does connection remain in the relationship. Is there love between us? Do we each feel supported, safe, respected and valued in this relationship?
Let’s make this a little more real with an example. Let’s say on a date night at a restaurant, partner A in a marriage remembers saying something, intending it to be a curious observation, “Oh wow honey, your dress matches that wallpaper over there. What a funny coincidence.” Partner B might remember the remark as something painful and mocking, “Oh wow honey, your dress is just like that wallpaper on that dingy wall over there. Haha, that’s so funny.”
Even if partner A was absolutely right in remembering correctly what was said or how it was stated, it doesn’t magically erase how partner B felt in that moment. If love and connection are of the highest value, then knowing who remembers right doesn’t mean anything. If anything, stipulating that partner A was probably right in how they remembered it and NOT addressing how partner B felt in that moment can add on to the negative feelings by resulting in partner B feeling, two weeks later, like their feelings were dismissed or diminished on top of how they might have felt mocked and belittled by the original comment.
NOT addressing how partner B felt in that moment
can add on to the negative feelings by resulting in partner B feeling, two weeks later, like their feelings were dismissed or diminished on top of how they might have felt mocked and belittled by the original comment.
Being right can be important in certain work relationships and situations. Certainly, for engineers, accountants, and doctors where other people’s lives are completely affected by these professionals’ technical decisions, making correct decisions is highly important. In contrast, perhaps, being right is not the thing to focus on in relationships where emotional connection is so hugely important. It is easy to see how confusing that can be when both types of relationships require high levels of trust, safety, respect and being valued. And yet, the importance of being “right” is not relevant or valid most of the time in a healthy, loving, supportive romantic relationship. Those qualities that harbor and protect the connection in the relationship are way more important. Things like play, fun, patience, active listening, emotional protection, humor and affection. This is why in marriage it is imperative to have skills like attunement to your partner’s reality.
The only way one can attune to their partner’s reality is if they can hold two realities at once, if they can honor and respect both realities. It’s not about throwing away our reality and taking on another person’s reality as our own, so we can match and sync up. Destroying your own reality is as bad as belittling or diminishing someone else’s reality. It’s about honoring both at the same time.
In a loving, healthy relationship, it’s not important who was right, or who remembers rightly. It’s about doing what needs to be done to maintain the love, respect and connection between two people. How can both people feel supported and honored? Love is not a negotiation where two people have to leave feeling empty and dissatisfied for a compromise to be considered successful. Love is amazing that both people in the connection feel they’ve both won.
Love is amazing
that both people in the connection feel they’ve both won.
Love allows for both people to have their needs met. It may take patience, trust, perseverance and steadfastness to get there, but you do eventually get there. It’s not easy by any means, but so worth it. It’s even one way that love and trust grows, through the painful difficulty. Which totally blows my mind. This is equally true in any relationship where love is valued and desired, not just romantic relationships. Family, friendships, communities, even certain professional relationships where love is an important component.
So here’s your invitation. Is there somewhere in your life where you are trying to be right with someone you love that you want love in return from? If so, here are some possible steps to look at it more closely.
What is your reality? Identify what your reality is.
Is there fear for a particular kind of outcome? What is your fear? Name it. Be specific. Often fear is the cause we hold so tightly to something and drives the need to be right.
What is the other person’s reality? Don’t know? Ask them.
Honor your reality and their reality. There is no right and wrong.
Identify your needs and their needs. Don’t know their need? Ask.
What is stopping the love from flowing? If it’s something related to them needing to change, take a look at that belief with someone you trust that’s not related to the situation. A professional therapist is a great option for this. Why are you asking them to change? Is it necessary or is it based on something historical and no longer relevant to your present moment? This is where discernment of what’s really going on is important.
After gaining clarity from step 6, you should have your next action step open up. If your next step deepens the connection and love between you, then it’s likely the right step. If the next step closes your heart or closes the connection between you, then it’s not likely the best next step for you. This is one way to “follow the love” as Sufi teachers teach.
Follow the love
To increase and deepen the love in our life, a foundational skill is learning to hold and honor two realities at the same time. To learn one reality does not invalidate another. If anything, it offers an opportunity, to know one another more deeply, which in turn builds understanding and respect, deepen trust that conflict is not something destructive here and the chance to have needs heard, honored and eventually met. All these from one moment of conflict result in deepening the love in a given relationship. It’s mind bogglingly incredible.
May we each develop the relational skills we require to follow the love in our life, so that our lives are overflowing with love, respect, honor and beauty. May we each know that this is possible for every one of us because love is infinite, it is not a finite resource. Ameen.
Love and Light,
Mariam-Saba Ahmad