I had a client recently ask me: “What is self-love?” Great question. There are many aspects to self-love, as there are many aspects to love. It comes down to how well do we treat ourselves, inside and out. Are we loving? Are we kind? Are we tolerant? Are we abusive? Are we frustrated and angry? Are we neglectful of ourselves? It’s a huge question, because it falls in the realm of “what is love?” (if you want to dive deeper into this question, you can start here.) So, in an effort to begin answering the question, let’s look at one specific aspect of self love. Instead of asking, “Are you loving to yourself?” Let’s start with “How do you speak to yourself?” Developing loving self-talk is a concrete and great place to start.
You know that voice inside our head? The one that often berates us when we make a mistake? Or, the one that haunts and nags us when we face a regret? I used to believe I needed that voice to treat me that way. I thought the more critical it was, the more it kept me on my toes and pushed me to succeed. I thought it was my secret to success. No, really. I believed this powerful weapon was my reason for success. I deeply believed that without it, I was lazy and would never amount to anything. Why? Because this voice said so.
I had heard and read for years that good self talk was important. But I heard it from people in other industries, and strangers, so it was easy to dismiss. They didn’t understand, this voice got me into medical school. This voice was why I succeeded in getting that degree in computer science, or this degree in biochemistry. Without it I was a failure. Not “would have failed” but “I am, deep down, really a failure.” Nobody could understand how truly lazy and incompetent I really was, deep, deep down inside where no one seemed to be able to see the “real” me.
And then it happened. I was so miserable between the difficulty that was medical school, the isolation the toxic self talk dictated and required, and an increasingly absent romantic partner (which only reinforced the toxic self talk), that I was desperate for a change. The depression, loneliness and desperation had become too much to bear any longer. On another late night, desperate internet search for answers, I stumbled across an article about self talk. I was in so much pain, I actually read it. One point it made was this:
Consider
how we speak to our friends, especially our best friend. When our best friend is feeling down, would we add to how they feel with our words? Or would we listen with patience, kindness and empathy? Then speak with care and love? If we wouldn’t say these things to our friends or best friend, why would you say it to yourself?
And my usual, internal response came up: “You don’t understand! You’re not in medical school. This is what it takes to make it here. I need to push myself. If I don’t see my failings and harp on myself, I’ll slip, fail out and lose my chance forever!”
I was in so much pain though, so desperate, that when the thought occurred, I listened.
““Are you sure? How do you know?” ”
I mean, it was a great point. If I would never say these words to a friend, why say them to myself? I decided I would do an experiment. A really scary and vulnerable experiment. I would talk to myself, in my head, with kindness and not criticism, until the end of the semester. If my grades dropped at the end of the term, I would know I was right and needed the negative self talk to push me to success. However, if my grades didn’t drop, then I would continue with the improved self talk. I truly believed I was risking failing out of school. And I was desperate for a way out of the pain to try it. It was a gift of desperation.
It was much more challenging then I expected. Thanks to that article I had a measuring stick. When critical thoughts entered my head, I would ask myself, would I say that to my best friend (and I had someone specific in mind)? When the answer was ‘no’, as it often was, I let the thought go. Then I asked myself, what would I tell my best friend? Something caring and kind would come up. So then I said that to myself. This became important – I didn’t just let go of the thought and then there was empty space for it to pop back in, and then I’m left fighting with it. Instead it was replaced with something caring and kind, something I’d tell a friend. So I was replacing a toxic habit with a beneficial habit.
When three months had passed and I looked at my grades, I was astonished to see they hadn’t changed. I did an experiment and found I didn’t need the negative self talk after all. It blew me away. So I continued to develop the habit for positive, caring and forgiving self talk. I did it for two more years before starting this personal growth work. I believe, because I had the habit of self-kindness and self compassion in how I spoke to myself, I was primed and ready to engage in the personal growth work. I am grateful to my past me, and to Allah, for that little experiment and my willingness to be surprised. It was an important foundational set up to the major life changing events that followed two years later. I couldn’t have imagined it at the time.
Later, I learned about affirmations and inner child work, which just made my self talk more loving, not just positive. Affirmations teach me how to change my perspective and debilitating and limiting beliefs into empowering beliefs. Inner child work, taught me about deeper places in myself and how to interact with them very gently, and full of tender care, like I would interact with a small child. The spiritual work strengthens my relationship with Allah and as I watch how He communicates with me, al-Wadud and ar-Rauf, I learn new depths on how to treat myself by His Loving example. As I keep going I trust I’ll learn and experience even more beauty and love.
I’ve noticed, as I treat myself better, with self talk and in other ways, on the inside, I naturally tolerate less poor behavior from others on the outside, including unsupportive and critical speech. When someone says something unkind to me, I recognize it, and I look, really look, at the person who said it. Those words don’t even enter my head anymore, thus, they won’t come out of my mouth, ever. So why did these words come out of that person’s mouth? What people say, even when they think what they’re saying is about me to me, has nothing to do with me but says a lot about them and who they are, and even about how they may treat themselves inside. It opens the door to compassion and patience for me, even when someone wants to treat me poorly. And it opens the door for me not to take their issues, veils and growing edges as personal or anything about me. How incredible is that? I had no idea we could live and experience life this way! It’s amazing.
On my spiritual path that’s my understanding and experience of the teaching: “when someone throws stones at you, give them back dates.” The dates, here, can be as simple as compassion, forgiveness and patience. It doesn’t mean you accept it, and allow yourself to be treated poorly. I still make requests and set boundaries. This allows me to make requests and set boundaries with love, instead of hurt, fear, anger or blame.
I never thought living this way could ever be possible for me. And I’m finding it really is possible. We need more of this in the world. For me, it started with improving my self-talk. And the first step in that was a simple experiment, talk to myself internally, like I would speak to my best friend out loud. No exceptions. Be brave, try it for three months and be willing to be surprised.
Peace and love,
Mariam-Saba
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