I apologize in advance, this article is going to be a little more venting from my humanity, than I usually do. I feel angry and frustrated. I am so sick and tired of people telling me they “love” me, when they have no clue what that word means. First off, let me quote something from scripture:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
~1 Corinthians 13:1-13
I bet that threw some people. Yeah people, truth bombs from the Bible, Yo, check it. (Yeah I just dated myself, whatever).
These people that say they love me…there was no patience, there was no kindness. There was envy, there was pride. There was rudeness, in the form of mocking, criticism, shaming and manipulation. My perceived wrongs (which weren’t even accurate) were logged, counted and thrown at me when I was most vulnerable and weak. They didn’t protect me. There is a distinct difference between protection and oppression. Hope was snatched away, I was abandoned and repeatedly betrayed. Sadly, I believed that love didn’t exist here in the dunya. Because I couldn’t find it.
And I’m not alone. Hundreds, thousands, maybe more, people are treated like I was. Recovering from something like this is so challenging and painful. There’s no words.
“The worst of all disgraces is when a person learns through the tongue and teaches by it, but does not learn through the heart nor teach by it.”
Because of this, I thought I was a monster. I thought I had no value and nothing to offer the world. I was lonely, desperate and prayed no one would look at me, all the while starving for affection, attention and care. I got married, and that didn’t solve anything, only amplified my pitiful state further.
Years later, after a ton of healing work, no really – a ton, I may not “know” what love is but I can at least say a little bit. Love is two things, there’s the feeling of love and the action from love. I can feel love towards someone and that’s valid and real. And I can act with love.
Love is Two Things,
there’s the feeling of love and the action from love.
I now have some kind of map to guide me. If someone claims to love me, I can’t test their feelings, nor is that really any of my business, but I can measure their actions, thanks to the 1st Corinthians letter. Here’s my measuring stick:
Does this person treat me with patience? Is he patient with me as I speak? Or does he interrupt me? Are his actions patient or impatient?
Does this person treat me with kindness? Are his words full of kindness? Is his silence kind?
Does this person envy me? Does boasting enter the space between us?
Does unhealthy, insecure pride show up in the space between us?
Does this person treat me rudely? Am I an object? Am I a placeholder in his plans for the future? Or am I seen, heard and known? Are my thoughts, wishes and desires taken into account for moving forward?
Does this person list what he sees as my flaws and shortcomings? Does he throw emotional bombs at me with his lists full of accusations, criticisms, or blame? Does he take responsibility for the harm he causes? Or does he forgive and offer compassion, mercy and safety?
Does evil or darkness show up in the space between us?
Does truth show up in the space between us? Is it welcomed or is it shunned? Is it present and straight, or twisted? Is my truth honored? Does he honor his own?
Is this person trusthworthy? (see the post "Earning Trust” for more on this)
Does this person speak with hope based in reality or does he live in a fantasy realm?
Does this person persevere? Does he follow through with what he sets out to do? Or does he fail us and himself?
When in conflict, how old does he show up as? Am I talking to an adult or an inner child, unguarded and unprotected? Are his relationship skills mature or childish?
And equally important, how does he treat himself? Does he respect himself? Does he respect his limits, his privacy, his own needs? All these above apply to him. Because I really believe, you can’t give what you don’t have. If you can’t love yourself, how is your love for someone else authentic? I’m sure it’s possible and out there, but I have not witnessed it personally. I have only witnessed conditional and false love when the person doesn’t authentically love themselves.
So where does love start? It must start somewhere. And I think it’s valid that if not received or developed in childhood, it might have to start with yourself first. Maybe for people who are inherently selfish, maybe they have to learn to love something more than themselves, I wouldn’t know. But I know for me, the more love I have for myself, the more I have to give to others, authentically. That’s something I could never have predicted or understood without experiencing it first.
And these people who say they love me…I don’t have to take them at their word anymore. I don’t have to believe them. I have something to measure their actions with. I don’t have to argue with their reality or their feelings, and I don’t have to take on their reality as my own, because I now know how to track someone’s actions and not feel like I have to blindly trust their words or intentions or feelings. Alhamdulillah. And I don’t resent the opportunities to practice, because those are chances I get to use to build trust with myself. With all this practice, I can really believe, I won’t fall for someone’s false words anymore. You say you love me? Show me.
Peace and love.
Can you relate? If so, please share in the comments below. I’d love to read how I’m not alone.
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