Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

Life Tool

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The Guest House

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The Guest House

A few years ago, I used to believe God was there, and maybe for other people He was there often, but for me, it was really only during emergencies. So I didn’t actively engage in any attempts to communicate with Allah, except to ask for things without any expectations of them being granted. I didn’t even know it was possible for a normal human beings to have a relationship with Allah…Then, I began hearing people share their experiences of having a relationship with Allah. What they described was a two-way communication, not one sided. Allah answered them back and they didn’t have to be a saint. I wanted that. How did I get that?

Loneliness Versus Alone

Loneliness Versus Alone

I used to be terrified of being lonely. As a result, I was fearful of being alone. Last night, in a women’s divorce support group, I was asked to consider two things. First, I was asked to consider the difference between loneliness and being alone. Second, I was asked in what way loneliness impact my day-to-day life…Today, for me, feeling lonely is a sensation that is a signal informing me of a need for connection. It’s like the sensation of hunger. If I meet the need, I can move about my day as I intended. If I choose to not eat when I feel hungry, then the pang of hunger, the need, becomes more insistent and attention grabbing.

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You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have

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You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have

…Because of this, I thought I was a monster. I thought I had no value and nothing to offer the world. I was lonely, desperate and prayed no one would look at me, all the while starving for affection, attention and care. I got married, and that didn’t solve anything, only amplified my pitiful state further.

Years later, after a ton of healing work, no really – a ton, I may not “know” what love is but I can at least say a little bit. Love is two things, there’s the feeling of love and the action from love. I can feel love towards someone and that’s valid and real. And I can act with love….

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Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

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Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

In this barzakh, I was trying to steer my ship toward a star, guiding me to my inner happiness, by looking at the lessons of my past. I was facing backwards, trying to course correct based on the lessons of my past. And then checking my bearings by looking forward at the star. My guidance was, it’s time to fully face forward, keeping my eye on the star (Allah). My ship’s steering would remain wobbly and shaky until I did so. At some point, the lessons of my past could no longer inform my choices of the future. My past taught me skills about survival, especially in difficult and bleak situations. To live a life of gratitude and happiness, it required a whole new set of skills I had never encountered, let alone developed within me.

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Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

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Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

…Here it is, my dark little snow globe. It keeps my attention focused on a very small area of existence. It has a castle, it has land rich with potential, and it has an outer glass that doesn’t limit the view but does feel safe, secure and contained.

In moments of distress and pain, my historical limited thinking is to keep my world small. Look at this dark little globe and don’t get overwhelmed with life. It’s all here and there is nothing more to want or need, so don’t be greedy and look elsewhere or want more. But when I can actually be in the reality of my life, my life is exciting, full, happy, and so hopeful…