A friend of mine teaches that we’re here on this planet to learn about love. We’re all attending “Love School.” My spiritual path teaches that we’re here to witness the Divine, that which I call “Allah”. Since all love comes from Allah, Allah is the source of Love, al-Wadud, I agree with my friend. Learning about love certainly continues to be a big part of my life journey and I write posts about it often.
I want to share with you, I recently had an epiphany. My epiphany was: “Love is Truth.”
I really didn’t know that. In our American culture, we have a saying, “Love is blind.” I deeply took that to heart. As a result, I developed the belief that I couldn’t trust love. I thought love and all the resulting hormones and neurochemicals, were responsible for me missing, or being blind to, an individual’s flaws. If I can’t see someone’s flaws, how was I supposed to protect myself from them?
I definitely enjoy the process of falling in love, the hormones, the neurochemistry and physiological reactions, the feeling of connection, the excitement of getting to know someone new. Who doesn’t? It’s fun. And I really believed that state was not trustworthy, nor was I safe. I thought my perception of a person was blind because in that state, I don’t see a person’s flaw.
But…
What if people don’t have flaws?
What if there’s nothing wrong with us?
What if Love, Real Love, allows me to see people as they truly are, perfectly imperfect with character defects but not “flaws”?
“Love is Truth.”
It is possible to perceive someone’s defects of character when I’m falling in love with him or her. Their defects in character don’t bother me, they feel like something I can accept without judgement and take in as information. Once I take in the information from a neutral place, I can choose if I want that in my life. There’s nothing *wrong* with the person, I just know what I can and cannot tolerate in my life, and to what degree.
For example, I had a friend in medical school who I deeply, deeply cared for. I definitely loved her and I thought very highly of her. As we spent more time together I increasingly caught her in lies. Big lies, little lies, all kinds of them. I never judged her for it, AND, I can’t tolerate lying in my close relationships. Letting her go as a friend was hard and very sad. Now I have the words to say it was an act of love to myself to do so. It was also an act of love to her to do so, because eventually my inevitable resentment would have resulted in me harming her in some way.
Upon Reflection
I never saw her as flawed. I simply saw the truth…she had a defect in character…it was not judgment, simply discernment.
Reflecting on it now, I realize I never saw her as flawed. I simply saw the truth, she had a defect in character that is painful for me to keep close in my life. It’s not judgment, simply discernment. I don’t see her has having something wrong with her. She’s not flawed.
“Love is Truth.”
It turned my whole reality on its head to realize, for me, love is not blind. Love helps me see the truth more clearly. I see people as they really are. Love allows me to see people’s defects of character and gives me the freedom from judgment. Life has taught me discernment – what defects of character can I tolerate and at what level of intimacy or interactions [please see this post]. This discernment is what keeps me safe and my life manageable. Seeing people as “flawed” and detecting those flaws didn’t actually keep me safe. Perceiving people in such a way moved me towards judging others and the scale of better than/worse than.
Since this epiphany, I now feel love is safe to experience. I definitely am learning a lot about Love. I accept that I’m enrolled in love school. I can see my fellow human beings are enrolled with me. Some whole-heartedly engaging with the curriculum, others totally oblivious and yet others in all areas in between. It’s all okay because it’s all built into the curriculum. This perspective is beautiful and is yet another tool to free me from the need to judge others around me. I can accept my classmates where they are at and even meet them there. I am safe.
What an amazing gift as I re-enter the world of finding a romantic partner! Alhamdulillah.
Love is Truth
I can accept my classmates where they are at and even meet them there. I am safe.
May we each be willing participants in love school and learn to treat our fellow classmates with appropriate respect, love and care no matter their current grades. Ameen.
Peace and Love,
Mariam-Saba
Ann Holmes Redding teaches about being in “Love School” in the book “Out of Darkness, Into Light”.
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